So You want to be a leader? It’s a LIFESTYLE not a title—Find Yourself, Find a Leader

How many times have you felt like someone else is more fortunate or seems to get all the breaks? How many times have you said or thought about leaving your company because you weren’t promoted or elevated within the organization? Do you aspire to be a leader and feel you can do a good job of leading others?  If you answered yes to any of these questions, I then have one last question. How well do you lead yourself?

I had a history teacher that was an expert at WWII history—which I find fascinating, but his presentation was so monotone that he would put me to sleep during class.  I was not able to connect with him, he did not inspire me and, therefore, I was not engaged in his lectures. Did I sign up for any more of his classes no matter how much I liked the topic---heck no. He knew his material, but he lacked passion and connectedness. Effective Leaders need to be inspiring and they need to be able to connect at a higher level.  Passion and connectivity to your objectives are important elements in inspiring others to follow. It’s not a role you can randomly check in and out of. Have you ever disconnected from important objectives in your life?   

Many of us have the aspiration to lead, but are not even remotely aware of what it entails.  Being really good at a task or being a master of a certain skill does not mean you are ready to lead others…especially if you are not effectively leading yourself. You are probably just a really good task-master. What would make others inspired to follow you, if you yourself are not an effective leader of you.  

What makes an effective leader?  Let’s start with vulnerability. I recently attended a Tony Robbins event. I have been to many personal development seminars and have found them to be intellectually stimulating, but basically preaching more of what I knew simply said differently. This time was different.  There were moments that I knew I was being vulnerable in a way that I had never been before.  Vulnerability is scary, but it is also a powerful and authentic way to break through the stories you tell yourself—the stories that hold you back. You must be ready to lean in and work hard and be vulnerable to face those “stories” you have created as just that—stories you created. Accepting truths and connecting to the moment gives meaning to your life.

I pondered about my life’s purpose and I kept getting stuck.  I realized that tucked away I was feeling shamed by my past—leaving me feeling as though I’m not good enough. Though I am highly educated, I struggled with worthiness in both my professional and personal life. I was living my life based on who I thought I should be and not as who I am.

What I took away from the Tony Robbins experience was triggered by finding a sense of gratitude.  I found that there is good in every situation. That sounds so simple, and at that moment it was so profound.  There is something to the saying “when the student is ready the teacher will come”—Buddha.   

My father was a full-fledged drunk with the inability to care for himself, no less children, yet he taught me a lifestyle to avoid; I learned to be grateful for this gift. My late husband committed suicide leaving a note of displaced anger/pain; I learned to be grateful for his peace and the gift that he gave me back my life to live and the opportunity to create a new beginning. I found that the baby in my baby picture grew up to be an adult who has no memory before the age of 8, was probably not loved in the traditional way and my mom was in survival mode; l am grateful to realize that it is never too late to love that baby-- I took her into my heart and now hold her close, reminding her each day that she is loved.

Some simple skills to remember to keep your passion alive and to keep you connected to your objective and others:

•  love yourself and put the stories and the little voice in your head to rest

• be vulnerable

• find your passion, find your purpose; align your actions to your purpose

• follow your heart; if the task is more enjoyable, you will likely put more thought and effort behind it

• make honest and ethical behavior a key value

• clearly and succinctly describe what you want to accomplish--if you can relate to your vision, your goal will be met

• make it a point to talk about it out loud on a daily basis, and you will elevate your passion

• constantly find the humor in the struggles, and your environment will become a happy and healthy space

• keep up your confidence level, and understand that setbacks are natural-- the important thing is to stay focused on the larger goal

• keep motivated--there is no greater motivation than being down in the trenches "doing"

• stay steadfast to your commitment-- not only to the task at hand, but also to your promises you make to yourself

• keep the mood a fine balance between productivity and playfulness

• be flexible--you may be forced at times to deviate from your set course and make an on the fly decision--this is where your creativity will prove to be vital

• keep your spirits up and that begins with a regular acknowledgement for the hard work completed

• tough decisions will be up to you to decide and you will need to depend on your gut instinct for answers--earning to trust yourself is as important as others trusting you

• if you are feeling happy and upbeat, the result will be a devotion to best efforts

Vulnerability is a powerful tool. It is a tool that allows the space for gratitude, building trust and finding one’s purpose in life.  Being vulnerable opens the door to sudden transformation….and the possibility of being a successful leader. 

Transforming into a leader:

Emotional intelligence is a tool that plays well together with vulnerability. How many times have we heard that employees don’t leave their company; they leave their boss.  Often the leader is not aware of the impact that he/she has on others.  I recently read this book “No One Understands You and What to Do About It” by Heidi Grant.  Often we don’t think we are hard to understand; its because we see others through our own inadequacies. Everyone sees through a different lens.  Ask anyone what they think about a particular car and you will get all kinds of different views, despite that they are all speaking about the same car.  Varying perceptions occur when it comes to people as well.   

We can’t always predict what impression we are making on another person because there are simply too many variables in play. We are all affected by the primacy effect and we all have biases…yes we all do!  Perceivers aren’t necessarily willfully putting blinders on; they just don’t see what you see at that moment or ever. Often our ego lens also gets in the way, we feel threatened and BAM!!—a negative perception is formed. However, we can have greater self-awareness, empathy and flexibility to increase our effectiveness as a leader.   

Leaders who tend to form an “us” and not a “them” environment are trusted. Hence, starting with being vulnerable, finding your passion, and being happy in what you are doing will make it that much easier to lead with emotional intelligence, be trusted, and be followed ….making you a leader of both your life those who choose to follow you.