So You want to be a leader? It’s a LIFESTYLE not a title—Find Yourself, Find a Leader

How many times have you felt like someone else is more fortunate or seems to get all the breaks? How many times have you said or thought about leaving your company because you weren’t promoted or elevated within the organization? Do you aspire to be a leader and feel you can do a good job of leading others?  If you answered yes to any of these questions, I then have one last question. How well do you lead yourself?

I had a history teacher that was an expert at WWII history—which I find fascinating, but his presentation was so monotone that he would put me to sleep during class.  I was not able to connect with him, he did not inspire me and, therefore, I was not engaged in his lectures. Did I sign up for any more of his classes no matter how much I liked the topic---heck no. He knew his material, but he lacked passion and connectedness. Effective Leaders need to be inspiring and they need to be able to connect at a higher level.  Passion and connectivity to your objectives are important elements in inspiring others to follow. It’s not a role you can randomly check in and out of. Have you ever disconnected from important objectives in your life?   

Many of us have the aspiration to lead, but are not even remotely aware of what it entails.  Being really good at a task or being a master of a certain skill does not mean you are ready to lead others…especially if you are not effectively leading yourself. You are probably just a really good task-master. What would make others inspired to follow you, if you yourself are not an effective leader of you.  

What makes an effective leader?  Let’s start with vulnerability. I recently attended a Tony Robbins event. I have been to many personal development seminars and have found them to be intellectually stimulating, but basically preaching more of what I knew simply said differently. This time was different.  There were moments that I knew I was being vulnerable in a way that I had never been before.  Vulnerability is scary, but it is also a powerful and authentic way to break through the stories you tell yourself—the stories that hold you back. You must be ready to lean in and work hard and be vulnerable to face those “stories” you have created as just that—stories you created. Accepting truths and connecting to the moment gives meaning to your life.

I pondered about my life’s purpose and I kept getting stuck.  I realized that tucked away I was feeling shamed by my past—leaving me feeling as though I’m not good enough. Though I am highly educated, I struggled with worthiness in both my professional and personal life. I was living my life based on who I thought I should be and not as who I am.

What I took away from the Tony Robbins experience was triggered by finding a sense of gratitude.  I found that there is good in every situation. That sounds so simple, and at that moment it was so profound.  There is something to the saying “when the student is ready the teacher will come”—Buddha.   

My father was a full-fledged drunk with the inability to care for himself, no less children, yet he taught me a lifestyle to avoid; I learned to be grateful for this gift. My late husband committed suicide leaving a note of displaced anger/pain; I learned to be grateful for his peace and the gift that he gave me back my life to live and the opportunity to create a new beginning. I found that the baby in my baby picture grew up to be an adult who has no memory before the age of 8, was probably not loved in the traditional way and my mom was in survival mode; l am grateful to realize that it is never too late to love that baby-- I took her into my heart and now hold her close, reminding her each day that she is loved.

Some simple skills to remember to keep your passion alive and to keep you connected to your objective and others:

•  love yourself and put the stories and the little voice in your head to rest

• be vulnerable

• find your passion, find your purpose; align your actions to your purpose

• follow your heart; if the task is more enjoyable, you will likely put more thought and effort behind it

• make honest and ethical behavior a key value

• clearly and succinctly describe what you want to accomplish--if you can relate to your vision, your goal will be met

• make it a point to talk about it out loud on a daily basis, and you will elevate your passion

• constantly find the humor in the struggles, and your environment will become a happy and healthy space

• keep up your confidence level, and understand that setbacks are natural-- the important thing is to stay focused on the larger goal

• keep motivated--there is no greater motivation than being down in the trenches "doing"

• stay steadfast to your commitment-- not only to the task at hand, but also to your promises you make to yourself

• keep the mood a fine balance between productivity and playfulness

• be flexible--you may be forced at times to deviate from your set course and make an on the fly decision--this is where your creativity will prove to be vital

• keep your spirits up and that begins with a regular acknowledgement for the hard work completed

• tough decisions will be up to you to decide and you will need to depend on your gut instinct for answers--earning to trust yourself is as important as others trusting you

• if you are feeling happy and upbeat, the result will be a devotion to best efforts

Vulnerability is a powerful tool. It is a tool that allows the space for gratitude, building trust and finding one’s purpose in life.  Being vulnerable opens the door to sudden transformation….and the possibility of being a successful leader. 

Transforming into a leader:

Emotional intelligence is a tool that plays well together with vulnerability. How many times have we heard that employees don’t leave their company; they leave their boss.  Often the leader is not aware of the impact that he/she has on others.  I recently read this book “No One Understands You and What to Do About It” by Heidi Grant.  Often we don’t think we are hard to understand; its because we see others through our own inadequacies. Everyone sees through a different lens.  Ask anyone what they think about a particular car and you will get all kinds of different views, despite that they are all speaking about the same car.  Varying perceptions occur when it comes to people as well.   

We can’t always predict what impression we are making on another person because there are simply too many variables in play. We are all affected by the primacy effect and we all have biases…yes we all do!  Perceivers aren’t necessarily willfully putting blinders on; they just don’t see what you see at that moment or ever. Often our ego lens also gets in the way, we feel threatened and BAM!!—a negative perception is formed. However, we can have greater self-awareness, empathy and flexibility to increase our effectiveness as a leader.   

Leaders who tend to form an “us” and not a “them” environment are trusted. Hence, starting with being vulnerable, finding your passion, and being happy in what you are doing will make it that much easier to lead with emotional intelligence, be trusted, and be followed ….making you a leader of both your life those who choose to follow you.

Millennial First Responder Training in an Environment of Elevated Civilian Terrorism

Pending Publication:  I co-authored this article and would love to know your thoughts on the topic.

Abstract:

In recent years, terrorist type acts seem to be at a new high. Attacks are more violent and frequently supported by access to global technology and advanced weaponry. This paper discusses why millennial first responders should have outcome-based training to effectively make important decisions in evaluating hazards and risks in today’s terroristic environment. It reasons how the military have statistically proven that training geared towards the millennial can minimize battle field deaths through customized medical training using informatics technology.  A systematic approach to modernized learning of appropriate tactical medical techniques, coordinated planning, and readily available up-to-date informatics technology will prepare first responders for today’s globally driven violent environment. 

Discussion:

Allison Parker and Adam Ward killed on Air August 25, 2015 (WDBJ-WV)

…… Though widely appreciated within the military organizations of our allies and partners in the war on global terrorism, civilian EMS had been slow to embrace the military standards and changes to training methodology and the cost-benefit of incorporating them into civilian pre hospital care within the continental United States until recently.

…… Our current EMS programs are lagging behind the criminal elements that are more technologically advanced. Of those EMS systems surveyed, the majority said their respective organizations had not made specific plans to accommodate the learning differences of the millennial team members, nor has the tactical medical training been updated to include advanced digital technology.

…… With availability of persuasive social networks coupled with the rapid advancement of mass communication, the risks and responsibility of EMS and other first responders will continue to grow exponentially here in the continental United States.

…… Though widely appreciated within the military organizations of our allies and partners in the war on global terror, civilian EMS had been slow to embrace the military concepts and incorporate them into civilian pre-hospital care within the United States. The old philosophy of no-change-needed, compounded by the current significant budgetary constraints, has kept our antiquated emergency response system slow to react to modern times.

…… As difficult as it was for the military to collect casualty data despite uniform standard operating procedures and relatively low casualty numbers in comparison to the civilian environment, its success far out reaches that of the civilian world in providing data analysis. Such information ultimately drives evidence based decision making and best practice development. Additionally, the Army has seen a cost savings through use of smart phones, tablets and applications to make information field available.

 Question:

Is it time to make a change in our civilian first responder training programs to offer these young first responders contemporary training methods and life saving tools/skills?

Who says don't sweat the small stuff: It's the small stuff that matters....

As we enter into 2015, I thought it would be a perfect time to update my blog. In 2014, there were many times that I planned to write an article about various situations, but never seemed to find the time to translate those situations into words. I was busy “living life”.

As the year end came near, I planned my final 2014 get-away to Whistler in December. I broke both my legs on that ski trip. My life quickly changed direction. Trapped in a sedentary lifestyle and dependent on someone else to do even simple things gives you lots of time to ponder; what is really important in life? That future legacy that many of us created on paper as part of a personal journey of self-awareness, suddenly takes on a whole new meaning. Sure some may say I was living life to the fullest…but was I? What if that day were my last day? Did I live a fulfilled life? What legacy would I have really left at this point in time? Hmmm…..

Living a life without regret is part of the journey. However, do we stop to really think about what regrets we are missing if we are “busy” being busy? "Life's harshest punishment is regret." Dharma Master Cheng Yen Are there things we put off doing today thinking we can do it tomorrow? Are you there for the people who matter most in your life? What I have yet again learned from this life experience is that tomorrow may not look the same as today—and it may not be what you expect it to be. What is more important, being loving and caring or being busy? Can we really be both?

Are you able to quiet your internal voice and allow yourself to truly be introspective? Is your internal house in order? Are you prepared for how society is changing?

I was having a great year. Work was going really well, family doing well--kids were “finally” in a place where I felt comfortable that they were going to do okay as young adults, personal life was thriving and I got to travel to some amazing places in the world. Check, check, check and check, the boxes were all checked. I even got to close out the year on a weekend ski trip to Whistler, one of my favorite ski villages. Skiing conditions at the top were perfect! As perfect as that all sounds, my life changed from one minute to the next. It started raining on our way down and the bottom turned to slush. As we were heading off the mountain…sooo close to the hotel, my ski stuck in the slush. I toppled back and snapped both my legs. Everything in that moment changed. I was now keenly aware of every movement in my body. My world was going to exist without the use of my legs for four months and it was going to consist of a bed and wheelchair in my living room. My lens was forcibly changed from a zoom to a macro. Was it possible for anyone else to really understand what I was feeling?

Everyone called or stopped by the first few days. At the time you most wished they wouldn’t. Then I started to feel better and guess what? Nothing! It was me, the bed and the wheelchair. I began to think…I mean really think. What is life really about? What does it mean to be empathic to others? Are we capable of really caring about others. Does society keep us so busy that there is no time for others to be compassionate; is there only time for being sympathetic, if it is not too inconvenient? 
  
“You never really understand another person until you consider things from his point of view – until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it,” wrote Harper Lee in To Kill A Mockingbird…and then what? We are too busy being busy to do anything with that information.

When an elderly person begins to slow down, the adult child is very compassionate to their elderly parent’s needs, at first. Then at some point it switches from compassion to something that feels like “work”. At some point the work starts to interfere with the busyness of their life. And if you are innately an empathic person, how do you reconcile that? There are stories after stories of elderly parents being put into homes and forgotten about except for an occasional visit. Do you think the elderly parent feels like their kids are very compassionate to their situation?
Do you think they feel understood, cared for, or pitied?
Now I am not saying that I too am not guilty of living a busy life. My mother who has lots of health issues lives 3,000 miles away and I “visit” when I can. Does she feel like I am compassionate to her ill health? Probably not. Society has changed. We live in a new norm of busyness. Is that our legacy as a society… where our busyness only allows time for a brief feeling of sorrow, leaving a society that lacks compassion and a deeper sense of feeling? 



What does sympathy and compassion mean? Sympathy is a feeling of pity or sorrow for the distress of another, and compassion is the emotion that one feels in response to someone's situation that motivates a desire to help. In simple terms, sympathy is pity or feeling sorry for another. Empathy takes it one step further; it is a deeper sense of feeling the pain as if it was your own and compassion is acknowledging those feelings and taking action to help the other person. Do you think you are compassionate, sympathetic, or empathetic?

Oddly enough, there is a lot of focus on the need for empathy in leadership? Let’s talk about empathy. The classic definition is “the ability to identify with or understand someone else's situation or feelings”. Can you really do that if you have not walked in the same shoes? However, let’s say you can (there are some people who may innately be empathic). Are you committed to do anything beyond the initial listening?
Why do we focus on empathy at work? How does empathy impact leadership? 
Empathy is proclaimed to be one of the most important traits for successful leaders today. It is the trait most recognized in emotional intelligence studies that directly correlates to effective leadership. It is that soft skill that attracts others. It’s the listener.

But are we listening? Every time you have something powerful to say, can you resist the urge? Can you instead react with something as simple as, “tell me more about your situation.” If you are only half listening, because you are multi-tasking, is it empathy?

Being listened to and understood is very important to feeling respected. Being listened to and understood builds trusting relationships and calms people who are upset in the moment. Being sympathetic in the business place may appear superficial—the average person doesn’t want pity, they want you to understand why they feel the way they feel. We don’t focus on compassion because there is no time to deal with it beyond the empathic moment.

Empathy arguably can be learned. Empathetic people listen attentively to what you’re telling them. They focus on the person and are not easily distracted by external media i.e. what’s on their computer or smart phone. However, given we are a society of multi-taskers, does anyone offer attentive listening for the entire time that is needed before they check out. Even if their appearance has the façade of listening, their mind is probably racing through a list of to do things or such other thoughts inside their head.

Based on these descriptions, today, I believe when most employees speak of wanting empathic leaders at work, they actually mean they want compassionate leaders, because they expect the leader to take action to assist. However the research, led by Sara H. Konrath of the University of Michigan at Ann Arbor and published online in August 2010 in Personality and Social Psychology Review, found that college students’ self-reported empathy has declined since 1980, with an especially steep drop in the past 10 years. 

As we evolve into a workforce made predominately of millennials, will we change the need from empathic leadership to sympathetic leadership, because in the fast pace multi-tasking society, pity may be all they are able to give? Will the Emotional Intelligence assessments begin to measure sympathy instead of empathy? What will it mean to be loving and caring in the future? Will our busyness leave us any regrets in the end?